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Main >> Previous Updates >> December 2003 >> Article ID 3501
 Not sure you have what it takes Martine, me Cockernee sparra | Type: Internet Article |
| | Not sure you have what it takes Martine, me Cockernee sparra | Nov 20, 2003 | by Jenny Colgan
Summary:
Pictured at the Love Actually premiere, sporting a shade of tandoori tan that I would never have expected to see on a living person (or at least, not since Christina Aguilera at the MTV Europe awards), she could clearly be seen shooting a filthy look at actress Keira Knightley, who is 19, staggeringly beautiful and already a star in Hollywood, all things Martine, looking ungainly in an unflattering hairstyle, most clearly is not. |
I’m warning you now, Love Actually is the kind of thing you’re going to have to be in the mood for. Here’s a quick test: this is part of the opening line.
"During 9/11, the frantic phone calls coming from the people on the hijacked planes weren’t messages of hate or revenge, but messages of love. I think love, actually, is all around."
If you immediately want to hurl over the soppiness or sheer bad taste of that remark, do please, please stay away and save your money, because the film lasts for about four hours and it’s all like that. If it makes you think "oh, how sweet", you’re going to love it.
Anyway, from the publicity, you’d think this was a two hander starring Hugh Grant as the prime minister and Martine McCutcheon as the tea lady. In fact, of course, there are about 200 people in it, but the attention has beamed in on those two as Martine has flounced about talking about how many times she got to "snog ’im" (instead of, as of course she should have been, rushing to her best friend Liza Minnelli’s side in her time of need).
In interviews, Martine has adopted a curious manner of being incredibly upfront about her showbiz neediness and dreams of fame, which is quite inspiring and certainly more honest than most of her peers; but on the whole, I think constantly comparing yourself to Audrey Hepburn is a bad career move. She talks endlessly to the media of dreaming of being a superstar and a famous singer, and how much she wants to do a big American movie, in a way that sounds like a small child being asked what she wants to do when she grows up. (You half expect her to add, "And I want a sweet shop ... and a pony … and to go into space!")
Alas, being good at being a cheeky Cockernee sparra is, possibly, not quite enough to keep her bottomless dreams of international fame alive
Pictured at the Love Actually premiere, sporting a shade of tandoori tan that I would never have expected to see on a living person (or at least, not since Christina Aguilera at the MTV Europe awards), she could clearly be seen shooting a filthy look at actress Keira Knightley, who is 19, staggeringly beautiful and already a star in Hollywood, all things Martine, looking ungainly in an unflattering hairstyle, most clearly is not. After Hugh spent all his time at the photo call chatting up the teenager, she reportedly stormed off in a fuss, crying: "I’ve been looking forward to this premiere since I was eight years old!"
There is, of course, a great tradition of showbiz females being traditionally hyper-ambitious, childish and slightly nuts, dating all the way back to Joan Crawford and Olivia de Havilland. It works fine with, say, Catherine Zeta Jones, who, with her imperious bosom and gigantic hair, certainly looks the part. But I’m not sure it’s going to work for Martine. She’s pretty - but standing next to Keira Knightley, nothing to write home about. She can sing - but in a fairly boring way. She has been great in two things: My Fair Lady and EastEnders, in both of which she was playing herself - a normal chirpy Cockernee sparra, and very well, too. She does the same thing in Love Actually and everyone keeps calling her fat, even though she is nothing of the sort.
Alas, being good at being a cheeky Cockernee sparra is, possibly, not quite enough to keep her bottomless dreams of international fame alive.
In true tormented famous lady style though, she definitely has the life story - the undoubtedly difficult upbringing, the violent, then absent, father, the difficulties with the men in her life, (‘difficulties’, as is the norm in these cases, meaning "they keep going to strip clubs and copping off with other women"); the struggle with her weight … She’s only 27 and she has the entire, proper, diva story off pat already. And, in fact, these days, finding out that someone cares enough about being famous to learn to sing, act and dance - rather than, say, just by paying a surgeon to pump fat into their breasts and suck it out of their arse - is actually rather refreshing.
But with a hunger - and an accent - as strong as Martine’s, I’m not sure she’s ever going to be satisfied … unless she follows the route of another, slightly common, over-suntanned, dark haired, snub nosed, not-quite-talented-enough-but-desperate lady. Yes, Martine has to marry a footballer immediately. It’s the only way. She can be Tandoori Spice. |
 Source: Scotsman | |
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