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Main >> Previous Updates >> February 2005 >> February 25, 2005 >> Article ID 7487
 Have you annoyed a celebrity lately? | Type: Internet Article |
| | Have you annoyed a celebrity lately? | Feb 25, 2005 | by Gino dela Paz
Summary:
Among those who are now in danger of being stalked, called or spammed are Eminem, Lindsay Lohan, Christina Aguilera, Andy Roddick, Ashlee Simpson, Victoria Gotti, Vin Diesel and Anna Kournikova.
Read on for the whole article. |
IT'S NOT like the world needed it or even asked for it, but it looks like there's more of Paris Hilton to go around.
Everyone's favorite hotel-owning hussy, Miss Hilton was the victim of a shocking, upsetting and slightly creative theft last weekend. Her ever-present cell phone, a T-Mobile Sidekick II, was hacked into by a group that left her with this rather cryptic love note: "I'm Sorry Bitch :) GG FGT SLT BTCH! HACKED BY THE NIGGAS AT DFNCTSC" Ooh. How ghetto.
Within minutes, various Internet sites posted the cell phone's supersecret contents, including new photos of Paris' heiress breasts (again) as well as unlisted telephone numbers and e-mail addresses of our hacking target's celeb pals. Among those who are now in danger of being stalked, called or spammed are Eminem, Lindsay Lohan, Christina Aguilera, Andy Roddick, Ashlee Simpson, Victoria Gotti, Vin Diesel and Anna Kournikova.
One A-lister, who shall remain unnamed because, well, I really have no clue who he or she was, expressed outrage at poor Paris. "I gave her my number after we met in Miami. I did not know she f**king kept it on her cell phone!" the now-pissed off star articulated. Oh, the Care Bear locked away somewhere in the toilet of my heart feels their pain.
And as if that bit of non-news wasn't enough, Paris' private notes--some of them detailing meetings with record execs and others, reminders to buy Frankie B jeans--were likewise exposed. A government source said the FBI has opened an investigation into the hack, possibly to prevent Paris' nudie pics from further frightening an already grief-stricken world. Kidding.
Nonetheless, there's a rumor going around that her password was conned out of her, which would be awesome to hear if you're a worried-to-death T-Mobile subscriber. (It would mean the servers are theoretically intact. On the other hand, Paris' ability to keep important things, like passwords, hush-hush is perhaps not.) Now, whether Tinkerbell, al-Qaida or an evil coven of rival socialites was behind this dastardly deed is still anyone's (pejorative) guess.
Cursed celebutante?
Call it a precisely engineered coincidence, but this is not the first time Paris Hilton has become the punch line of the nastiness of others. In 2003, she went from supermodel perfection to Macaulay Culkin--clownlike lips and doleful eyes--upon learning that her purse had been stolen.
"We got jacked, man," said Hilton, scraping the floor with her sneaker. She was concerned about her passport since she was supposed to go to Germany in a couple of days. And yeah, the thief also carted away her platinum-and-diamond Franck Muller watch, worth about $20,000. Yikes! (Then again, she has money hanging out of her ass so I take that back. Ha!) "People are always stealing my stuff. This happens all the time. Everyone is mean," she sighed. It's okay, Paris. Or not.
Anyway, bear in mind that everyone's meanness also brought about her dog's mysterious disappearance last year and this current Sidekick scandal. Is Paris Hilton really cursed, or do people just like pissing her off? And do people do that because she's easy to annoy or easily annoying? Is Angelina Jolie, like, a homewrecking slut? Pardon my incessant questioning. Just checking if I still have your attention.
Irritating Celebrities 101
Maureen Orth, author of "The Importance of Being Famous," said that celebrity culture has become such a huge area with so much monetary and cultural impact that it demands as much investigative reporting as the White House or Wall Street. (Paris Hilton? Culture? The irony.) "Familiar faces, everyone now seems to realize, not only attract large audiences; they provoke sympathy, trust and identification."
So given the now--huge and undeniable role that celebrities play in our lives as ordinary people, is the opposite also true? Can these "familiar faces" cause disbelief, skepticism and indifference in the same way? More than that, can celebrities get on the nerves of the very people they're trying to entertain? I'd like to play devil's advocate and say "Exactamundo!" to all those questions.
Fine. I like Paris Hilton. It didn't start out that way but I've learned to like her because there are other stars who are way more annoying than she is. Like, obnoxious, off-the-charts, beyond-Jar Jar Binks annoying. At the top of my head, I can name William Hung, Tom Hanks, Jessica Simpson, Mariah Carey, Renée Zellwegger and that girl formerly from Evanescence as some of the personalities who fall under that hydra-headed category. Locally, there are too many to mention, but Kris Aquino, the Barretto sisters, Mystica and Willie Revillame top many people's lists of marginally talented artistas they wish would drop dead.
Payback's a beeyatch
As consumers of popular entertainment, we pay these celebrities to entertain us. What do they do instead? They make us want to barf in a bag and eat it. Week after brain-atrophying week, we're subjected to local variety shows with non-artistes who look like they skipped lip-synching practice. Not to mention, we're cherry-bombed by show biz talk shows filled with starlets whose behavior is governed by the laws of 12th-century Prussia.
It seems like there's only one genuinely capable performer for every 10 or 100 gimmick-packed celebrities that come down the assembly line. (Human curiosity feeds the voyeur within but there's a limit. It's called "D' Bodies.") How's their acting, you ask? What acting? Again, exactamundo!
Admittedly, there's a degree of envy on our part because these infamous folks are still more recognizable than us and have more fans than we do--the quality, however, is questionable. So when you think about it, we have nothing to lose by making fun of them. Really.
To the more sensitive and uptight members of society, belittling others in order to feel a flashing moment of intellectual superiority may seem evil. So freakin' what? These obnoxious stars bugged us first and we have every right to bug them back. It's called payback, peeps, and it's one big-ass beeyatch. Look at it this way: Residents of Famousville can sue us for saying bad things about them but we can't sue them for bad acting, grating conduct or an obviously staged sex scandal. (Remember, we care about privacy, unless it's the privacy of someone famous. Paging Ethel Booba.) Where does that leave us then?
When! Fans! Secretly! Attack!
We put these irritating celebrities up there. We can also take them down. Here are good, bad and utterly inexplicable signs that you--yes, you!-are already annoying some of these famous people without you-or them-knowing it. Kids, let's chip away at their precious careers by pushing their show biz buttons. Repeatedly. Secretly. Now.
1. Every time you quote Nietzsche, listen to Bach, or do absolutely anything that requires brain power, a member of the Masculados hangs up his Speedos. For good.
2. You see the Sex Bomb Dancers on TV. You look at your yaya. Back to Sex Bomb. Then to yaya. A bulb suddenly lights up in your head.
3. Luis Manzano is a "VJ." Sandara Park is a "singer." Adolf Hitler had "issues." Riiiight.
4. On a Sunday afternoon, it's a toss-up between Paolo Bediones on "S-Files" and Cristy Fermin on "The Buzz." After three seconds, you decide to tune into a National Geographic special on roaming wildebeest. Score.
5. In your opinion, it's not enough that one makes disparaging noises at the sight of Heart Evangelista's billboards. So you take charge and buy yourself a paintball gun. Next thing you know, you're being arrested for vandalism and going down in a blaze of glory. Fight the power!
6. You realize that no matter how much Kris Aquino cries in her soap opera or how often she drums up publicity to keep herself in circulation, her thespian flair has been one giant sic from the get-go. But mind you, it's a giant sic.
7. Speaking of, er, beef, Carlos Agassi can now be seen essaying the role of Caloy in the ABS-CBN quote, unquote sitcom "Bora (Sons of the Beach)." He stars alongside other members of the earnestly-named group The Hunks. In related news, several whale sharks beached themselves outside the ABS-CBN studios to protest the show. Yes, boo.
8. Lastly, you're a card-carrying member of The Niggas at DFNCTSC and you prey upon hapless hotel heiresses/reality stars by hacking into their cell phone address books. Oops. Did I already say that? Teehee.
Pardon me.
Anyway, the most important thing to remember in our crusade for quality entertainment is that veiled euphemism or sarcastic backlash may not be enough to torment our on-air irritants. This is when we start taking an ax to these celebrities and their stupid shows by paying them no mind. Yes, you heard that right. We simply switch the TV off, not line up to see their movies, and not buy the products they hawk. Eventually their pocketbooks will feel the burn, their manipulative, supercreepy managers will get the hint and hopefully, these celebs will go away and move to Channel 13. After all, what good is an annoying celebrity if he or she has no one left to annoy? And when that happens, we can all shout "You've been Punk'd!" followed by "Vive la revolucion!" followed by, uhm, that's it I guess. The end. |
 Source: Inquirer News Service | |
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